My mind is very powerful: College

I have realized today that my mind is a very powerful tool that if not handled correctly, could result in unintended consequences and behaviors and expectations. Whenever I am presented with the opportunity to made a decision or judgement on a situation, I tend to ask for other opinions, I try to determine which decisions will impact me the most in positive ways, and then I stick to that choice or opinion until presented with new and better information.

In this blog post, I want to focus on college. Oh college, what a complex yet simple thing that some people have a detailed confident plan about while others struggle all their lives to figure out. Spending as little as a few grand to almost a million just to get experience, a chance to get a dream job and possibly meet your wife/husband. Welcome to the world of college.

On my mission I learned to plan and set goals and had very specific ideas that I was confident about accomplishing. We had guides that would help us know what to teach and what to do. It was very well setup. Yet when I came home and it was time for me to figure out my life, I stumbled and fell. Well, what do I want to do with my life? I knew my interests and I had friends who lived in certain places so I could motivate to go to certain colleges to be with them and enjoy my interests. But how do I get there? There was no book that covered each career and your life situation and gave a plan and set of goals on how to accomplish them.

I had to figure things out, and fast. I asked many friends what they thought and besides the normal "pray about it" advice, I got some suggestions and would indeed pray about it to decide what was right. Except that I really didn't know, and I think the Lord didn't care, He just wanted me to make up my mind and then He'd give me blessings and opportunities and so on.

The point of this post isn't to focus on my choices, but rather the power of influence in making those. I have been told by several people that BYU is a good choice. My parents like it, friends like it. It has two programs that I like, one is animation/filming and the other is sign language. Both interests I want to pursue. With the influence of others, I had become convinced to attend a local community college that would help bypass a few requirements at BYU and make things easier.

Well, now that I've done that, and am waiting for results from BYU... I have realized how powerful these influences have been. I haven't studied other options. I chose what I have from just a few people's suggestions. I feel that the Lord wants me to just figure it out and He'll help me when I do need it. And I sit here and wonder, was it worth it? If I am rejected, was the community college still worth it? Should I have started this path?

I feel the answer is yes because of many personal and not so personal blessings I have already experienced, however the point here is, a single person's opinion can influence your decision to spend thousands of dollars. So always be mindful and make sure you are happy with the choice, not just that others are as well.

Asking girls on dates

Until very recently, I have been terrified of asking girls on dates. This is an example of a typical date-asking-out-scenario:

Boy walks up to girl/calls her on the phone, "Hi Girl A*, this is Boy. Would you like to go out on a date with me on Friday? I was thinking we do this and that. I'll pick you up at 7pm."

Girl A, "Sure! Okay, sounds like fun! I'll see you then!"

And it's that simple. Or is it?

Here is what my mind has envisioned for many years as to what goes on in each other's heads:

Boy walks up to girl/calls her on the phone, "Hi Girl A, this is Boy. Would you like to go out on a date with me on Friday?" thinking, "I like you and want to get to know you better because as we both know, dating is how you eventually get married and by me asking you on a date, I am saying that I think you are a possible option for me when choosing someone I want to get married to. So hopefully this date works, but if it doesn't then I'm going to feel super bad and you'll probably hate me and be depressed because it didn't work out and I'm an evil person for not finding you attractive enough. Now you have to be single and keep hoping someone calls and asks you out!"

Girl A, thinking, "Oh, my, gosh. He is asking me out! Does he like me? I think he's cute. I can't believe he's asking me out!", says "Okay, sounds like fun!"

Growing up, I was afraid that if I asked a girl out they would automatically assume that I am willing to get married to them and will put forth effort to get to know them better. Which I suppose is partially true. But that has scared me so much that the girl might think I'm considering her for marriage that I never wanted to date when I was at the age. It took literately years before I spent weeks building up the courage to ask a friend out to prom on my 18th birthday. That took a lot of mental preparation. By the time I finally asked her out, I had put so much mental energy into it that when she said yes, I could feel all the stress, the worry and problems I had in my mind just fly away and was filled with indescribable joy.

So if asking someone out to prom before I served a mission was scary, imagine asking someone after your mission when it's clear what your next goal is?

Yet the few dates I've been on, asking them out so far hasn't been scary at all. It took me about 6-8 months since I been home to actually have the confidence to date, It hasn't been too bad and so far I don't think my imagined scenario has been reality too much. I guess when you haven't done it, you are terrified to do so and imagine the worst, but when you actually do it it's not as bad.

But that's how I viewed dating even until just recently. Once you do something you are scared and uncertain of, it will become less scary.

My mind is very powerful: Marriage

I have realized today that my mind is a very powerful tool that if not handled correctly, could result in unintended consequences and behaviors and expectations. Whenever I am presented with the opportunity to made a decision or judgement on a situation, I tend to ask for other opinions, I try to determine which decisions will impact me the most in positive ways, and then I stick to that choice or opinion until presented with new and better information.

Take marriage. I know my next major goals are to get a college education, good supportive job and married. Marriage itself can be very complicated and I do not want to overestimate or undervalue it's importance, but there have been many suggestions and misunderstandings that have stuck with me and become my "motive" when pursuing marriage. As members of the LDS church, we have been told time and time again to get married if we are single. That is an obvious and simple statement, yet as someone who just finished one's mission and am trying to get involved in the dating life, that can be more of an impact on me than to others.

I think too deep. I know that. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I cherish it. I worry too much. I know that as well. I envision situations in my mind of what I hope happens and then the worst case scenario. So I can enjoy a fantasy world, and still prepare for the worst case scenario. This has been how I've always lived. Expect the worst, hope for the best. This powerful influence has caused me to worry a lot, and to underestimate my worth and value to others.

So let's assume that I meet and like Girl A*. I think she is cute, and she is nice to me. We talk and converse through technology and become friends. At this stage, it's safe to say we are friends and it's agreeable with both parties. Now say I attend church and am taught a lesson on marriage or dating and am reminded of the importance of dating and getting married and perhaps even as far as "don't make your future children wait longer than they have to". This is drilled in my mind and I am determined to find someone to get married to. Worthy cause. So, who do I date? What about Girl A?

Fine, I go and ask Girl A on a date (without overthinking what she thinks when I ask her). We have fun and get to know each other better. Still considered friends. I wonder, okay well I still like her and she likes me. So what's the next step toward marriage? Well, forming a relationship of course. So how can I convince her and myself that we should try and become boy/girlfriend? I have no idea. I guess we should hold hands, flirt, and kiss. That's what I've been told and most everyone says it's what you're comfortable with or what "feels right". Fair enough, if I feel comfortable and she does, then we could try something like that and then maybe we can be in a relationship.

This is where I have realized something very important. You must communicate with her about such a thing. What if she isn't ready? What if you aren't sure if you are? You're supposed to be making progress though and should be kissing after the third date, come on! Well... should I?

That's the thing that everyone can give a different answer to. What is considered appropriate with holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc? When do you do it? When do you decide that it's official? How does all that work? I'm sure in a few years when I'm married I'll be able to look back at this blog post and have answers, at least for me. But at the moment I just want to know how to be friends with girls without feeling guilty for not being married yet. And how to tell myself to not assume marriage is the goal with each girl I date, because likely they are not thinking "oh. my. gosh. I am so totally going to marry this guy and I need to figure him out!", but likely "he's cute! i like him" (and that's it for now, not "I like him and should form a relationship with him").

Oh my gosh, I think and worry too much. Thanks for reading. :)


*I am giving a safe generic example, I do not know any girl named Girl A.

How are you?

Go to 1:25 on the video above to see an honest confession of how we all should respond when asked "how are you?".

Your phone vibrates or the ringtone activates. You pick up your phone and see the incoming call screen. You may see just a phone number with an unknown name, or perhaps it's someone you know very well, seemingly smiling at you from their contact picture you setup. You look at the time. You think about the five or ten excuses for why you didn't answer the phone. Perhaps you should send an automatic text message? You check the defaults but they're all crap. Oh no... they are still ringing! How much patience do they have?

Finally you either give in, they hang up or you find an alternative way to avoid the situation. If they hang up, typically a voice mail will come which you can listen to and then figure out what to text them later. If you do get the energy and prepare yourself quickly enough to answer, then this typically happens.

You, "Hello?"

Caller, "Hi name, how are you? (or "what's up/how are you/how has your day been/many many other varieties of this question")

You, "Good/Fine/Okay, and you?"

At this point the caller either replies simply and gets to the point of calling, or they might take this time as an opportunity to expand on the small chat they have established. Often times they will comment on how their week has been or how they are really doing and why. Sometimes if it's a person you know or actually like, you do in fact care and despite your short responses back, are quite emotionally understanding their situation, good or bad.

But sometimes it's someone you really don't know too well, cannot get along with, or just met. You want to show you care but it's hard. Again, short responses are common to show you recognize their explanation or summary of their week and are understanding their feelings and are feeling them as well.

At some point or another you do eventually get to the point of the call, in which you may become almost social and willing to talk and give in dept information to a question they have. Depending on the topic at hand and how prepared or energized you are to actually discuss said topic, you might spend quite a bit of time bouncing back and forth comfortably, with laughter or a tone of enjoyment on either end of the call.

At some point however, all good things must come to an end and typically it's the called who declares such. You may have enjoyed the actual discussion and as you are in a position to vocally expression your views with them, will find it hard to hang up and return to silence. Or the opposite can be true, and you are glad that the call is about to end and you go back to quick responses to hope that the end comes nearer.

Once you utter the words "goodbye" or a variation of such, and you hang up (either by pressing the red button on the phone screen or by physically placing the phone back in the holder) you give a sign of relief. Not necessarily because it was a very painful process. It just takes a lot of energy to have a consistent and non-awkward phone call and you are glad you can return to the deep and scary places in your brain and contemplate random scenarios that will likely never happen yet are good to be prepared for if they do occur.

If you could relate to a little, some, all of or just any part of this description then you are very much like me. Although I did over-dramatize the simple, common and universal event of a telephone call in in the 21st century, a lot of what I said has been true to myself during different moments of my life. Maybe I think too much (yep). Maybe I have weaknesses I can overcome (absolutely!). But am I any worse or better off than the guy who is always seen on the phone, talking to someone 24/7? Well, (usually) no! We just have different ways and times that we are able to communicate with people.

But the point of this blog post isn't about calling on the phone (although it basically has been so far), but rather about small chat. We live in a world filled with small chat. Everyday, 24/7. Enter the doctor's office and the receptionist asks, "How are you". Call up your parents and they ask, "How are you?" It's in our nature to be polite and the common modern way to show that is by asking how we are.

For many, it's a simple "how are you?" "good, and you?" "good!" and then life goes on and the conversation happens. But for some of us, that simple three worded sentence is one of the worst things to happen. We want to and are expected to respond with a positive statement such as good, fine, okay, great, etc. And in many cases we are actually doing good, fine, okay or great! But what about the times we aren't? Your dog just died. Your favorite sports team just lost. You are sick. Woke up on the wrong side of bed. You just aren't feeling good, fine, okay or great, but rather are feeling depressed, bummed, sick or tired.

If you do respond with an honest "I'm not doing so good", then one of two things could happen. Either A, the person asking how you are will be stunned or caught off guard by the non-linear and un-emotional exchange in small chat prior to the actual discussion and try to brush it off, smile, acknowledge it as if you had said "okay", or get right to the discussion.

B, they will become curious, concerned or want to retain the polite manner-like behavior and will inquirer as to why you are feeling that way. You can sometimes tell if it's due to not wanting to come across as rude or inhuman to feelings. When they appear to genuinely desire, it's sometimes easier to be honest and quickly (or if you really know them and have time on your/their hands, elaborately) explain the reason. Or if it is clearly politeness you often give a short, brief and often non-specific answer such as, "oh just's a bad week" that may not actually give a reason/answer to their question.

And this makes me wonder. If stating you are having a not-so-great day results in a potential questioning for reason, why is it that the common "good" isn't questioned upon? Is knowing someone is "okay" or "great" good enough to satisfy and move on to the discussion? Is there some unsettling feeling of unaccomplished or unsatisfying comfort when presented with a "not good" and the topic at hand moves on anyway? Is there a legitimate reason why we are more prone to know the reason for a negative feeling than for a positive? Or am I just over-thinking this too much? (hmmmm)

So to end this rather lengthy ramble and semi-negative yet hopefully thoughtful blog post, I ask,

1. What would happen if we skipped the general greeting and got right to the discussion? Sort of like if the phone connection cuts off or the battery dies and you quickly call again and after a quick joke you get back to the discussion?

2. Why does a response of "I'm doing -negative-" invite an inquiry as to why you are in fact not good, when responding with "good" is more like pressing "start" on the microwave (it just gets to the point without further question and warms up your food!)

And with those questions asked, I hope you enjoyed this post and will keep checking for more updates in the future!